When it rains it pours.

Well, we're on the 18th day of the month and I'm no where near the finish line for NaNoWriMo. I do believe I will fail in my 50K words this year. :(  I've had so much to deal with lately I knew it would be near impossible to take on the challenge this year. But that's me, I jump in and see what happens.

As I've already posted about, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer last month, and since then it has been a wild ride of nonstop doctor appointments, chemo treatments, and scheduling/filling/picking up scripts for all her prescriptions. Plus my "regular" life of raising children and caring for my household (dogs, cats, chickens, & even a husband!). And now, my paternal grandmother is at the final stage of her life. It won't be long before she'll be gone, and I've only known her for two years.

Yeah, it has been rough around here. I feel like I'm being pulled in more directions than my body can actually manage to be pulled in. There have been days where all I want to do is scream into a pillow and punch a wall (but I haven't...yet).

Not to mention, the longer I go without writing, the more frustrated I become. Frustration has become my middle name. :(  Writing is my break from the real world, a time to enjoy a fantasy world, and a way for me to vent without it actually being all about ME.

I texted my husband the other day on a particularly hard day and said, "I don't know why I even bother anymore."  To which my supportive man replied, "Because you love doing it."  And he was right. I do love writing! I love creating worlds from nothing. I love seeing what kinds of troubles my
characters will get into. And I especially love my readers!

I have been trying to hold onto his words: Because you love doing it. I needed that reminder. I needed that second of remembrance to feel connected to my day job. Even if I haven't been able to work like I'm used to. Writing is one of my joys and I certainly don't want to lose that.

So I'm going to resign myself to being a "loser" of NaNoWriMo this year. That's just the way it has to be. I don't have enough hours in the day to even come close to catching up and still do everything else I'm responsible for.

I will continue making handwritten notes while I'm sitting beside my mom watching poisons being pumped into her body to combat an enemy far worse. I will continue to type snippets into my cell phone notepad while I'm waiting for one of my kids to come out of school at pickup time. And I will continue to feel extremely frustrated about not having the hours and alone time to bring those notes and snippets onto my manuscript's pages. One way or another things will get done, even if it isn't on my timetable (and obviously it's not). I just have to remind myself to breathe, not panic, and just move along until things calm down enough to get back into my routine.

Mom is improving tremendously. She's beginning to take care of herself more and we're hoping it won't be long that she'll be able to take care of her own house again. Until then, I'll try not to scream into a pillow and punch a wall.